illithidnapped

In some ways, this feels like something entrusted to him — as much as those cold, dark caves, as much as the rare awkwardness when he says something too sincerely. As much as the person who'd been unwilling to leave him to die in a burning city.

He breathes out, heavily; this isn't unexpected either, Astarion sighting blood in the water.

"Would you believe me," he says, and it's an echo, and that's deliberate, "if I said it had nothing to do with Thedas?"

He means: no danger to you. He means: this is a change of subject, so if Astarion isn't done with the last, this isn't a road to go down.

Fortunately— or perhaps unfortunately, depending on perspective— Astarion has precisely what he wants. What he needs. The rest won’t involve James Holden; they’ve said everything there is to be said between them.

Now, Astarion’s simply looking to know for the sake of knowing. For the security it provides.

And that goes beyond the bounds of Thedas.

“I might.” He counters, blinking slow as wine is drawn once again to his lips. “Though you know I’ll wonder why you haven’t always kept them covered, in that case.”

That makes him smile, actually, funnily. If he pours himself more of the wine, well. From one difficult topic to another. Despite that, his tone is less grim when he speaks. Easier to make light of the things that don't hurt anyone but himself.

"I did when I first got here," he admits, having a drink. "I don't remember when it was that I stopped."

And he doesn't. But it was after he got that ugly scar on his belly, when he first came to realize how much more there was to fear in Thedas than what he'd brought with him.

"How much did you hear about the attack by the undead?"

Edited 2021-11-27 21:05 (UTC)

"I do my homework." Astarion confesses openly for once. A rare truth, given the vampire's love of playing the fool. Easier to be seen as ignorant, to be underestimated, when the opposite inspires suspicion just as much as a potentially raised guard.

With Holden, he's certain the man won't care either way.

"Nevarran undead, transported mostly via Eluvian. Laced with red lyrium of all things."

He fiddles, one-handed, with the hem of his glove. The non-anchor hand, like he's tempted to free his shard to visible sight. He isn't, of course. He isn't even aware he's doing it. The nervous tic only lasts a few moments, till the next time he reaches for his glass.

"Yeah," he agrees to all parts of that, nodding. "They were infected with red, glowing crystals." Astarion's sharp, is the thing. He doesn't have to draw the comparison to anchors. "There's something like it where I come from. Not much like it, but they look a little alike. I've seen a lot of people dead that way."

Something like 100,000, to be exact. To say nothing of the Caliban project.

His voice twists mocking, but only of himself. "It scares me."

There's nothing wrong with being afraid, contrary to popular belief. It's healthy in the sense that it's preventative. In the simple truth that anyone who's been alive long enough to know real, unsuppressed ugliness knows there's plenty worth fearing, and too much of it well within reach.

Holden's right to be afraid. It's only confessing it that's dangerous.

"If it was anything like red lyrium, then it's a very ugly way to go, I'd wager."

He would never think less of anyone for their fear. He'd tell them, easily, how normal it is. It's not exactly his own fear he dislikes, but the places he knows it's led him. The person he has the capacity to be. It's difficult to trust his own judgment, and he doesn't have Amos or Naomi or Alex anymore to make sure he does the right thing. He'd endangered, too, Gwenaëlle and Gabranth for his fear.

Prickly, difficult Astarion, who'd lashed out even as this wine bottle has been open, might seem like a strange person to answer about this. But there's been no point to distrusting him since Tantervale. Forget point: there's no distrusting him right now.

"Worse than ugly."

Devoured, and not even able to get the peace of death.

"Go on, then." He says, shifting back in that rotted little seat, wood creaking faintly as one leg crosses— ankle to knee— the wine glass goes with him; he drinks in expectant silence.

There's the option to deny the vampire's muted pressing, of course, but Astarion isn't so gentle as to offer it.

He doesn't have to.

Jim's quiet a long moment. But this conversation has dredged up a lot already; his worst fear is Venatori with something like the protomolecule, and the night the undead attacked had made him think it realized. Talking about it so soon after discussing the dangers the Venatori pose, how eager they are to get their hands on people like the two of them, the things they could extract out of him —

he shakes his head, draining his glass.

"Trust me, you're happier not knowing." He glances towards the bottle, adding, "Besides, I'm out of time."

They've emptied it between the two of them, and he remembers the terms of Astarion's attention.

“Two hundred years, and I’ve found that’s still the most untrue statement anyone’s ever bothered to utter.” Ignorance equates to bliss only until the hammer falls. Unrelated as this might be to Thedas, it isn’t unrelated to Holden: knowing what might have him freezing or wary is still its own advantage. A ward against disaster. “No one’s better off not knowing. Doesn’t matter what the subject is.”

The room's gone dark from waning daylight outside. Nighttime in Lowtown brings nothing good.

“But you’re right,” he says, leaning forward to set his glass along the table’s edge. “We had a deal.”

Until the wine’s gone. Astarion’s own rule.

“You’ll owe me the rest of that story.”

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