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[illithidnapped]

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delivered by runner, two days after the party.

[elegiaque]

ASTARION,

I think that I need to be clear - that it is worthwhile to be clear - and I don't think it's possible to do that speaking with you. I've tried several times and every time we only snap at each other and you don't hear me.

I am not angry that you fucked Thranduil or that you can't give me what I need, from a friendship. It's a terrible, awful feeling to have been so abjectly mistaken in what I believed and what was true, but in neither case is that your fault. I misled myself. It was my mistake, in both. I'll learn how to live with that, and I can always go crying to Lexie if it's hard. It's still my turn, anyway.

What I need you to understand, and why I am upset when you ignore that I've clearly told you to let me alone, is that I can't give you what you want from me, either. It's my mistake, but it hurts and I can't pretend it doesn't. I don't want to. What you want from me is painful for me, makes me feel sick and worthless and reminds me what a humiliating mistake I made. You hurt me, cruelly, when that doesn't matter to you. I understand that that probably doesn't really mean anything to you, but it is going to continue causing wretched, embarrassing scenes that you don't enjoy. I won't hurt in an amusing way. It will just be unpleasant and tiresome. Neither of us will enjoy it, so you might as well seek easier company.

I am an open wound. I am tired. I want to be with my family and let my heart scab over until these things don't hurt me. Please let me.

I have nothing for you.

G.