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illithidnapped) wrote2022-02-03 01:54 am
illithidnapped) wrote2022-02-03 01:54 am
INBOX II
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no subject
[Of course he was— gods, he took it with far less grace than Astarion ever has. Alternating between bewilderment and suspicion, he regarded any gift as something transactional with an expected price, oh, yes, he'd been such a fragile thing.]
But . . . [Mm. He arches his back, working against Astarion's grip just to feel it tighten around him, as he tries to think of how to phrase this.] I have told you before that you are beyond where I ever was in freedom— both initially and years later. But I have never told you what that means, I think. At three years within freedom . . . Astarion, I still had the corpses of Danarius' minions rotting in my foyer. I glared at anyone who spoke to me and assumed Marian's gifts were, at best, ways to buy my services for mercenary work. I was reckless in battle, caring little for my life or my pain. You . . .
You are functional— more than functional, you are capable. You sustain a relationship that I would not have been able to, had I been only three years out of freedom. You read and write and keep yourself occupied instead of drinking your hours away, hoping for an attack so that you might have something to kill. When I see you, I do not see someone three years out of freedom . . . I see someone who managed in three years what it took me a decade to achieve.
[It's more of a speech than he really means to give. He pauses for a few seconds, and then, a little awkwardly (for this is not critique, merely observation), adds:]
And I need to give you more gifts, I think, if one can still take you by surprise.
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His fingers cling too tightly. The press of his forehead is insistent.
And coincidentally, content. Lest anyone present in this space (Astarion perhaps most of all) mistake old aches for present feeling.]
You've never seen me without you.
I hope you never have to.
[No lilting emphasis. No songbird hum. He's such an ugly thing without his Leto— more vitriol and spite than flesh. The others might attest to that.]
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[Under the floorboards. Bricked up in crumbling walls like a grim warning or host of waiting sentries.]
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I . . .
[Oh, gods, are they? He balks for a few seconds, momentarily derailed.]
Er— no. No. I, er, disposed of them one night near the docks. [A beat, and then, with frank honesty:] It was more about the inconvenience than anything.
[Which is an amusing thing to think about. Far easier than what came before. It's no bad thing for them to drift gently past such emotions, not if they both know what they're doing. But Leto does take note of them, and maybe that comes out in the way his hand drifts over Astarion's cheek just once, softly and sweetly. I hear you, and it need not mean more than that. I hear you, I see you, you're right, I don't know who you are without me— and yet my point still stands.
Who knows what Astarion would be like without Leto? For that matter, who knows who Leto would be without Marian, or Isabela, or Anders— or Astarion himself, for growth goes both ways, and he has healed more than one wound while basking in his amatus' presence. It's pointless to think of what-ifs, for they are here now— and here and now, Leto will argue until his last breath, Astarion is a magnificent thing.
But he won't say it, for after a certain point it becomes an argument. Instead: he presses his forehead insistently against Astarion again, butting against him with a little too much force to be entirely doting. I'm here, I'm here, and he stays close as he speaks.]
It took two of us to manage the corpse in Rialto. You can well imagine the struggle I had to try and smuggle one, even stripped of armor, out of Hightown without anyone calling the guards. Add to the fact it was a rotting corpse, which meant that bits would fall off periodically, and it was raining . . . it was a mess. I ought to have waited another decade and made you help me with them.
[Mm. He licks at Astarion's bottom lip just once before adding:]
A hidden advantage of having a vampire as my husband— the loss of blood truly does make it an easier task nowadays.
[Is that how blood works? Is that how dead bodies work? Debatable, but it's a doting compliment Leto intends to give regardless.]
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But let's be honest, he's distracted. Delighted, even, too busy scoffing out a noise of sheer amusement in retreat to bother derailing either of them now: he's invested in this now.]
I should've known you were only using me. [Tsk tsk.] Such a heartbreaker, that dashing Blue Wraith.
Ah, well! what goes around comes around, as they always say— I suppose it's high time someone got the better of me. [Something something someone worthy goes here, though he's busy tugging cattishly at the laces of his husband's shirt, smug as the nights are long.]
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[It's a chuckle too endeared to be a proper scoff. With a swift gesture he catches Astarion's fingers, tangling them within his own as flirtatious resistance. Oh no you don't, not until you've earned it, though he doesn't make a move to fix his shirt where it's fallen open.]
And yet you never manage to help clean around here . . . how much advantage am I truly taking of you when you leave the bed unkempt and our clothes around the floor?
[Ignore the fact he himself does those things too. This is about Astarion, not Leto. Besides: he's a teenager, sort of. It's probably wired into his genetic code to be a slob. But someone two hundred, well, that's different, isn't it?]
Or is it only in corpse removal you serve? For I am certain I can utilize you more in that department— and you never actually did help me back then. You do not get credit simply from retroactive contemplation— stop that.
[That wandering hand, he means. He feels you, sir.]
Do not attempt to distract me.
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My darling when would I ever be so wicked as all that? [His captured fingers twirl around the lace they've not been fully prised from, claws plucking at its borders like harpstring just to prove a point.]
By cleaning, I mean. Why— just imagine what the place would look like if I didn't keep our ecosystem comfortably arranged: you'd never find a thing when you needed it. [Purr purr purr— he's betrayed by his own vampiric physiology, apparently. Rumbling away inside the basin of his chest.]
Bodies included.
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So our collective mess is a deliberate thing for my benefit? In that case, you do spoil me— and I need to work doubly hard to make up for my lack of gifts.
[His eyes flick up, a little smirk curving at his lips.]
And you are always up to something wicked, vampire mine. You realize if you seduce me now, you run the risk of dooming us to the circus? Karlach was particularly insistent, and was deterred only by my promise I would find something else that appealed. Mount me now, and I suspect she'll grow too impatient to wait.
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....and then his nose crinkles.]
—eugh.
[Gods. Sophie's impossible choice: hike his virile husband's leg up over his shoulder here and now, or stay chaste and avoid an entire evening's worth of buffoonery, muppetry, and pint-sized frolicking at his expense.
The purring stops. He slumps— his claws gone lax and the lacework slipped away— chin dropped to the center of Leto's chest, gravity taking his expression and the slant of his ears down with it.]
Do you even know what else to suggest? Drumming up a suitable replacement sounds harder than carting corpses from your mansion.
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Poor thing, [he drawls, and absolutely does not mean.]
As for alternatives . . . mm, not really. I thought you would have more ideas than I.
[Then again, they're both equally as foreign to Baldur's Gate in some ways, aren't they? Astarion's nighttime activities were limited to whatever venues would bring him prey, and as for Leto, well. He's only just getting the hang of dates and currency and such, never mind decent entertainment options. Hmm . . .]
I suppose . . . some kind of night market . . .?
[It's a limp suggestion, but he's trying. And anyway, he's busy tending to his poor, neglected, suffering-awfully husband, stroking fingers through his hair and serving as pillow. He isn't the one who needs to be thinking in this scenario.]
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Mmm....[The idea isn't terrible, really. Local wares aren't as thrilling as prizes and games and all sorts of oil-painted nonsense, but then again few else would be, and more likely Karlach's simply looking for an excuse to be together. Close— or closer, at the very least. It's not the first time Astarion's considered that they might be missing their lost friend. The one he was— or replaced— something like that.] I suppose it might get the job done, although I imagine we'll need to sweeten the deal as well. Maybe a festival of sorts? We're nearing winter, there'll be lantern lighting soon enough. Try starting with that and see how you fare.
[Did Leto volunteer to be their negotiating ambassador? Apparently he is now.]
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Hmm . . . no. They're your companions, Astarion.
[Don't you put this on him— even if he's arching his back to encourage the slow wind of Astarion's hands, still. This isn't his job.]
I negotiated you out of visiting the circus, and it was a trial, believe me. Karlach is not one to give up lightly. [It wasn't that bad.] You can be the one to promise them night markets and lantern lighting— and if Toril is anything like Thedas in the winter, you can sweeten the deal by promising them they can get their Satinalia gifts early.
Or simply take them to a bar. It need not be so complex. But unless you plan to bribe me— and flirtation is not a bribe, before your fingers wander— it is your message to deliver, not mine.
Nice try, though.
[Teasingly offered as he keeps up his slow carding through silver curls.]
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No more than just the idle (read: petulant) snap of his teeth at the air closest to Leto's wrist, at least, hunting him down.]
Shrewd. [Churlish praise, and all-encompassing at that. This sort of gameness is worth its weight in gold within High Court— nevermind that it's worked against him now.] Did you think up the gift idea before you crawled into coffin with me, or was that just the bribe?
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If I wanted to bribe you, Astarion, I would not do it with so paltry an offer as try taking them Satinalia shopping.
[Honestly, how would he bribe him? Spreading his legs is the most obvious answer, but it isn't exactly a bribe if Astarion can get it either way . . . hm. Some specialized kink, perhaps? An outfit? He hasn't worn that maid dress since that night at the sex shop, not to mention some of the harem-inspired ensembles he knows are still buried in one of their trunks. But it ought to be something that really counts, something that isn't easily accessible . . . hmm. He tips his head, considering his husband.]
I would offer you something far better. Something I know you crave— or at least did once.
[All at once his fingers knot at the base of Astarion's hair, fingers tightening their grip as he tugs just enough to be felt. Pay attention, and the point isn't pain, but to rile.]
You have not allowed me to dominate you since we arrived here. [A neutral statement, for it isn't a point of contention; he catches Astarion's eye, trying to communicate that.] I do not mind it. I enjoy the dynamics we have now— indeed, enjoy is too tame a word for what I feel when you take control.
But I would understand why.
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Mmph. [Is slight. It stalls for time albeit not ungraciously. Like the flicker of his eyes slipping back and forth, he's only thinking.
The answer is evasive of him too, apparently. Something he'd not realized until now.
—add it to the pile.]
Do you remember what I said to you a while back?
Our little conversation about my....hunger. [Hunger is a keen distinction. Not his nature. Not his impetus or mere instinct. It's the cursed condition of his existence rather than the entirety of it, no matter how much it still eclipses. He likes to think there's more to him than that.
(Cazador would call it vanity. He can't quite argue.)]
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[Oh, yes. He'd long since memorized those words, for it was the key to understanding such a vital part of Astarion and how he operates in this world. Leto loosens his grip, returning to working his fingers through Astarion's hair, as he regards him.]
You told me how instinctive hunger is the forefront of your mind. How your instincts scream at you to devour me in every way and form you can, and that such screaming never ends no matter how full you grow or how sated I may leave you. How you work to override it each and every moment we are together, forcing yourself not to look at me as prey, a meal, a sacrament nor a pet, not a consort that needs to be taught better— but me. Just me, as I am, and as we are to one another.
And I remember, too, how much toll it takes on you. How much you fight your own instincts just to stay with me, never mind treat me as your equal . . .
[He leans forward, bumping their noses together just once in silent adoration. Admiration burns fiercely in his gaze, quiet but all the more intense for it.]
Yes, I remember, Astarion. I will never forget.
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That admiration is mutual, now.]
It's not a voluntary thing. I know you know that, but I don't just mean about the matter of just starvation or mere prey drive— I mean it in regards to you, too.
[His smile quirks. He sounds like a professor when he inhales next, sucking in enough air to cover a no doubt weighty second act— or maybe just like Gale, going by Leto's common metric these past few months.]
When we're....intimate, as I've confessed before— and don't take this personally darling, I've seen your prowess against my siblings, you're no lightweight mortal thing— but you are still mortal. [Still a beating heart and finite blood. Still fresh and young with life enough to snuff like wind across a flame.] It takes everything in my power just to touch you as I do. Our give and take is measured the way you— [a beat, and then:] mm, the way a dedicated broker would handle fine crystal: conscious, and deliberate, and all too passively aware of how even the lightest of his careless touches might break.
[If it sounds belittling, it's because he knows it is. Perhaps no less aggravating than being a spawn compared thralls or waiting servants. Compared to even honored guests— for there's nothing quite so disquieting as standing shoulder-to-level-shoulder with someone that embodies your own thoroughly defined limits. The niggling thought hissed betwixt your ears of why not— why them and not you? A set of eyes and ears and limbs no different than you own. No different than you used to be— or are — so why not me. Why you. You're no better.
And indeed, Astarion would admit it easily: he's always been the lesser of them.
He's just the one with fangs.]
And yet the more you put me to heel, the more I ache to meet you in that challenge.
Not so much prey, but competition— something we vampires have, shall we say, a bit of a....
[Tsk.]
....a bit of a complex about.
[The tail end twists, his laughter closer to embarrassment than anything else, as if admitting to only the most minor of faux pas in public setting— like, say, dressing for a festival instead of a soirée, or confessing one's forgotten the Duke's thrice removed cousin's name right to his face, or. Well.
That your reckless animal mind sees your husband as competition. That sort of thing.]
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How can he not? When even the wrong tone can set him off some days, of course every teenage instinct in him rears up in snarling defense over something that sounds like you're too delicate to handle me. It's like holding red in front of a minotaur, and his mind does all the work necessary to fill in whatever gaps remain: you're too childish, you're too weak, now bend over and take it like the pretty little consort you're meant to be . . . for a moment, his eyes flash as his lip curls back in preemptive snarl—
But of course, Astarion isn't saying that.
And of course, Leto is so much more than his teenage instincts.
So: reset. Reframe. Take a soft breath and let his adult thoughts flow forward, soothing his stinging ego and allowing himself to understand what Astarion is really trying to say.]
So each time I attempt to dominate over you, every vampiric instinct within you is demanding you put me in my place?
[That must be putting it politely, for it's rare Astarion feigns off his embarrassment nowadays. So put you in your place, yes, but brutally so. Viciously enough that the other person— vampire, mortal, or otherwise— won't dare to dream about trying again, at least not for a long while. And when your lover is mortal and possesses a body that has so many limitations . . .
For he has no doubt Astarion would take their sex farther if he could. How many times has he sweetly mouthed the darkest kind of threats against his consort's throat? I'll leash you to this bed and fit myself between your thighs, breeding you until you forget anything but how to mewl my name; I'll choke you on the span of my cock until you pass out drooling my come in satiation, only to wake and find yourself still locked there . . . oh, Astarion would have long since done such things if he thought his Leto could survive it hale and whole. It's a savage cruelty no mortal was ever made to withstand, and yet even so, they've edged closer to it. Their play in the sex shop, yes, and that night in the forest . . . it's about excess, yes, but safety, too. When the whole world regards you as an abomination that needs to be put down, of course every instinct will howl at you to assert yourself as the most dominant creature again and again.
Leto's eyes flick up. It's not ideal, but what is? And if it's the death knell for any hopes Leto might have entertained about topping again, well, so it goes. He hadn't been lying before: he really does enjoy submitting to his mate. But there's something about the way Astarion presents this that leaves space for just a glint of suggestion.]
It is not an unknown feeling to me— though I know you feel such things far more keenly than I, [he adds hastily, just in case Astarion took that as refusal to take this seriously.] But it makes sense.
[It makes sense, too, why Astarion so deftly avoided explaining all this before now. Far easier to simply redirect than actually admit there's an instinctive part of you that eternally wants to strip away your husband's dignity and sexual power for no other reason than that he might be competition.
Poor thing, he thinks without really thinking at all, and brushes his knuckles against the curve of Astarion's cheek. His poor vampire, who still frets there's some line of savagery that will send Leto running.]
Then is it something you no longer wish to try? Or . . . something we need take precautions during, but not forego entirely?
[He won't insist either way, for he has made too many demands without fully understanding Astarion's vampirism.]
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[Unknown, that feeling. No— not feeling, urge. Dark and deep enough to come with its own gravity of sorts, and stronger than the sort of undercurrents that leave even the finest swimmers drowned, or so he hears. It's been ages since he last went swimming, and Rialto doesn't count.
His eyes shift towards the corners of Leto's expression. The borders of his face and the way it lays beneath fringed hair grown long (almost time for a trim, he thinks, despite knowing he'll forget again in half a second).
And then forgets.
His own emotions too quick to cling to the knee-jerk thought of no longer wishing to try at all, which— ]
—no.
[And he has to force the alarm, or urgency, or whatever it's called that's boiled up inside him to slide back out towards dissolution, shaking his head all the while.]
No, I— [The words are still too quick.] It's one of the things I miss dearly from our time in your world. [The bruises on his inner thighs in Thedas. The way it burned so sweetly to feel his body boil as he gazed up at his lover in low light, marked by pale tattoos and the burning in green eyes, gods.] I'd sooner give my claws to Godey than give that up completely.
[Had he told Leto of him? He can't remember— and besides, that's not the point, anyway. (Even the phantom traces of Leto's fingers at his scalp, he longs for it. Feels himself crane towards it through desire, knowing full well he'd prove incapable of ceding.) The bloody dichotomy.]
But precautions, though....
[Hm. Leto might be onto something, there. The line of his focus wavers for a moment; the bridge of his nose wrinkles from deep thought.] We could....
Yes, that might actually work. The reason why I lose control is because I'm overwhelmed, after all— by you, by my own monstrous proclivities— if we took it slow, or— [hm. Hmm. The gears are turning. The wheels spinning in their moors.] If we had some sort of way of alerting each other when it proves to be too much. When I prove to be too much. A word or a warning or something....
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(Godey, and just like any other name Astarion mentions, it goes into a little vault in the back of his mind. Never once has the name passed his lips, and though Leto can suspect just why that might be, it's a conversation for another time. This is about them).]
You could tell me.
[Thoughtfully said. It's not, like, the greatest answer in the world, but he's working on it. Absently his fingers play with the edge of Astarion's shirt, not teasing so much as preoccupying himself with his favorite person.]
Or . . . taking it slow seems a good plan. Letting you grow more and more submissive by deliberate degrees, measuring out your own reactions each and every step . . . [Hot, honestly, in a particularly clinical way.] I could make a point to check in with you. Not at every turn, but . . . often enough. More often than we usually do, to see if you find your instincts rearing.
[That said:]
Vá nuitha has worked well for us in the past. [His own safeword, rarely called out save for one miserable, cramp-filled night.] You could adopt it yourself— you speaking Elven is an easy reminder for both of us that things are not as they should be.
We could also fit you with precautions beforehand. Slipping out of bindings or gags is easy for you if you truly wish to, I know, but it offers a few seconds of pause. The time it takes you to become a bat or mist is time enough for me to—
[Eugh. His face twists as conjure up a spell tries to line up on his tongue.]
— counter you, in my own way.
[They'll go back to the idea of shared instincts soon enough, but one thing at a time.]
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And there again, he laughs. Only this time it's not apologetic. This time he's all here.]
I'd be telling you every five seconds.
[See? There's humor in wry truth. Double that when Leto's face wrinkles with distaste, nipped at and harried by sharp fangs that only feign their bites.
(He loves him.
Gods alive, he loves this one. This small, wondrously mortal thing.)]
Because bindings and magic— unless you're inclined to ask for lessons in hypnotism from dear Gale [teasing, yes, but there's a reason Astarion's suggesting it, and it isn't just for the houndish way they play,] I'd only be spurred on by those precautions. The restraints, the— well, anything along those lines.
They rile. In the best of ways of course with you, but still.
[His grin cuts sharp.]
No. I think we've little choice but to tame the monster the old fashioned Vá-nuitha-shaped way,slow as it might be.
Although I've— honestly I've never tried anything like this before. I've nothing in the way of guarantees this won't be vexing just for nothing.
I'd understand if you didn't want to.
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[Just as swift a reply as Astarion's own had been, but this time it's assurance, not panic, that weaves within his low tones.]
There is nothing about any kind of sexual venture with you that I would find vexing. Even if we have to stop or reroute, still, it would not be time wasted. Besides: I wish to not only so we know your limitations, but . . . I've missed this too, Astarion. You on your knees or bent in front of me . . .
[Gods, it's a sweet thought. Astarion on his knees and his lips wrapped around the swell of Leto's prick, one hand jammed between his thighs as he mewls for how his mouth is getting fucked. Astarion splayed out on their bed, a collar around his throat and his back arched into a sleek curve for how Leto holds the leash taut, bouncing him forward atop his prick and watching as his body comes right back over and over and over . . .
Well, anyway. There's no sense in getting lost in fantasy— not just because Astarion had just said he couldn't yet do restraints, but because he doesn't want to inadvertently rile his husband. In lust or violence it barely matters, for there's no time to play and precious little room to do it right now. Still: he returns that sharp grin with a flashbang smile of his own, wry and unrepentant.]
It makes for a sweet sight.
[But ah . . . he tips his head, inadvertently bumping their noses together.]
Did you mean that? About hypnotism. Do you think it a good idea?
[Whether or not he's comfortable to learning it is secondary. There are many uncomfortable things he has endured in his life; he will bear one more if it means Astarion feels safer.]
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Mmph. Haven't the slightest, sweetheart.
[No, really, he doesn't.]
But you've done rather beautifully with it since we started testing the waters, and if you can do it, I'd like to think I might follow in your footsteps somewhat undisastrously.
What....mm. [Hold on. Let him try again. He's only seen this from the other side of things, through a violent haze of satisfaction and utterly carnal lust, unbridled. And it's not as if he's mindless in those moments, true, but observant?
Hardly.]
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....What is it like for you?
[If Leto's sharp, he might see it for what it is: fear.
Astarion's afraid to ask.]
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It was . . . comforting.
[Start there: with words he wouldn't ever confess to another. Not unusual for them, but notable all the same.]
Comforting in a way that I have not felt in many, many years . . . perhaps not ever. Certainly with no one else but you. It was a release of all obligation and endurance. No longer was I tasked with remembering how to be silent, or even refraining from instinctive pleas for you to stop . . . I could simply be— and yet still have enough power to make it stop. It was not helplessness, but . . . something close enough to pass, and yet far enough to find comfort in it, rather than repulsion.
[He exhales slowly through his nose, hot air puffing faintly against Astarion's cheek, as he thinks. He scours through his memories, sinking into the sensation of being so utterly out of control . . . to drift so carelessly, knowing that there was nothing he could do or say beyond simply take it, knowing all the while that he was safe.
And that's the other half of it, isn't it? No less vital than the first.]
I would never do it with anyone but you, for you are what made the difference. My trust in you is absolute, and there has never been a doubt in my mind that no matter what turn the night took, it would be one we both thoroughly enjoyed. And I was right, was I not? In the sex shop, even in the forest . . . I thrilled in all of it.
Not to mention that I knew if I commanded you to cease, you would. [A pause, and then, gently:] I mean what I say. Do not take it as blind adoration, for I would not expect you to stop if you were in the midst of a frenzy, nor indeed even recognize who I am— and I have no qualms about dissuading you in other, blunter means.
But you are still you when you control me. You always have been, frantic with lust or not. I told you before, I think, and I mean it still today: you have never become someone I don't recognize when we are together, not even at your most sadistic.
[He pauses for a moment, underscoring that, before continuing.]
I do not know if it would be the same beneath my magic, but I suspect so. And if it is not and you dislike it, we will stop. And if it is the same and you dislike it, we will stop. And that will not necessarily mean that I will never dominate you again— simply not in that fashion.
[Is that enough? But ah . . . there's one more bit.]
And it was thrilling, Astarion. I would not have agreed to it time and again if I did not thoroughly enjoy it. To give over every bit of myself to someone I knew would safeguard it more preciously than his own life . . . I felt both powerless and powerful in that moment, knowing that it was at my own behest rather than forced out of me by my master.
I cannot tell you if you would enjoy it. You would have every reason to despise it, and I would not blame you for that. But . . . I can only tell you for my part, I remember those evenings often, and warmly so.
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