INBOX II

[illithidnapped]

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[doggish]

how could women possibly be alphas if that was a requirement?

But fine. I can concede that— for now. Can two alphas even be together? Aurelia seemed emphatic on the subject.

Tell me your thoughts and rankings. Your real ones, not the ones you offered in a calculated effort to piss everyone off.

[illithidnapped]

Maybe the women would also have bigger dicks?

I don't know, Dal reads more about this than I do— how did you learn so much, anyway? I thought you were 'done with us and our made up language.'

[doggish]

Your voices still reach my ears nonetheless.

Besides: the issue I had was that Dal insisted upon using Tevene terms. It’s difficult to take a group of drunken toddlers seriously on a good day, never mind when I’m meant to rank someone via their sexual prowess vis-a-vis letters. It would be like if I claimed we could sort one another via “Aye” versus “Queue”, and of course Ayes had larger cocks.

(And do not bring up all the times when you’ve had me in such ways, not when we’re stuck here and cannot take advantage of such things).

[illithidnapped]

(Who says we can't? I'm starting to think you might be the omega, if you're letting a thing like petty voyeurism stop you.)

[illithidnapped]

[illithidnapped]

We are not toddlers!!!

[doggish]

my mistake. Adolescents, is that better? A pack of wealthy brats full of impractical knowledge— one of whom’s jealousy would no doubt kick in the moment he had to share even the sight of me.

Why does Dal know so much about this, anyway? And you still haven’t given me your list.

[illithidnapped]

Me- amazing best Alpha and part time Omega but only for you
You- also amazing best Alpha and part time Omega but only for me
Dal - B
Violet - B who wishes she was an A so she's mean about it
Petras - lamest B ever to exist
Yousen - A
Auralia - O
Leon - O

2/2

[illithidnapped]

also Dal says it's because its 'medical stuff'

or something

1/2

[doggish]

What possible medical """"stuff"""" could that entail

surely she cannot possibly be embarrassed she reads that kind of smut, not when you all get up to the things you do. she's seen your cock nearly as often as I have, which is saying something.

2/2

[doggish]

(you cannot just put petras as beta because you don't like him).

[illithidnapped]

Yes I fucking can. It's my list, I get to make him anything I want.

[doggish]

you wouldn't be half as annoyed by him if he wasn't a part-time alpha. you'd simply be smug and that would be that. he grates because he's just relevant enough to stick around.

why do you keep him around, anyway?

though you're right about the rest, especially violet. Though I suspect she'd bite the throat out of anyone who insisted otherwise.

[illithidnapped]

ugh why won't you let me have any fun. I suck your dick I buy you cars

the least you could do is not call me out on every single thing I say


anyway it's not up to me. believe me I tried to get rid of him more than once, but sadly I'm outnumbered when it comes to group voting. and black market poison apparently isn't worth shit when you buy it from a guy off the streets through a rolled up car window.

[doggish]

why the hell did you think someon

[No, you know what, he knows the answer to that already.]

was he already part of your little squad when you befriended them, or did he come after you?

[It's odd: he knows them all fairly well by now, or at least as well as can be expected of a bunch of aristocratic brats. But there's such a sense of permanence about them, so much so that he realizes he's never heard of how they met or who knew whom first. It's as if they're an eternal unit: squabbling and sulking and biting at one another, oh, yes, but they all of them still banded together for life.

Odd, how that works. Odd how everything about the rich works, frankly.]

how did you meet them, anyway? you've never told me.

[illithidnapped]

I first met Aurelia and Leon at an outrageous party hosted by one of the city's most affluent figures. gold flakes in the champagne, nothing but diamonds on the entertainers— very very posh, almost to the point of being stuffy, but the drugs were premium and the alcohol was free. we were the only ones out age there, so naturally we sort of drifted together.

I wish I could say it was an interesting story, but I think, when you're a child of status, you just....find each other. There's no place you can go where people wouldn't know who you are, so you stick to the same nightclubs, the same catered-to affairs and parties and soirées. Dalyria was my favorite; she almost seemed normal and sensible compared to the rest of us.

Petras, on the other hand, came into our little group like a stray dog with fleas a few months after she did.

I don't blame her for being nice to him. I blame him for existing to be nice to.

[doggish]

[In all his years, had it ever been like that with Danarius? Fenris can't remember, not easily, but he thinks not. There were faces that always showed up at parties, of course, and favored women among them as he got older— but even when Danarius was young, there was nothing like the pack Astarion runs with. Only now does Fenris consider that perhaps his insistence on isolation was the exception, not the rule.]

it makes sense.

[He hesitates for a moment, and then:]

and it seems lonely, in its way.

[Far be it for him to pity the rich, but he can always summon sympathy for Astarion— and gods, there's a certain kind of gilded cage that comes with being born into a family like this, Fenris is learning. To have to befriend and cling to others simply because they're your age and there's nowhere else to go . . . and still Astarion was such a lonely thing before Fenris arrived. Furious and empty and so, so isolated . . .

Perhaps they're alike in that way, too.]

though the mystery reveals itself: it isn't that you were outvoted. it's that you don't want to go against your favorite. I think there is no one beyond myself you spoil more. does she actually like him, do you think?

[She's currently dozing against Astarion's shoulder in spite of the pounding bass thudding throughout the club, something Fenris highly doubts he'd let anyone else do.]

[illithidnapped]

[Just Fenris, just Dalyria— a VIP section within a VIP section, and yet another source of conflict within their little pack, no doubt.]

maybe.

or maybe she pitied him the way she pities everyone.

[Astarion doesn't want to think about it too hard. Fenris was right, after all, he is a jealous thing. Driven to showing teeth just to keep the only people he likes being near, few as they are.]

If we were in that universe defined by our physiology, would I still be yours....?

[The wording is deliberate.]

[doggish]

[Oh, his lonely boy. Someday, maybe, Astarion will understand just how beloved he truly is. For even sitting in this exclusive little area in this exclusive little club surrounded by only the most prestigious of the elite, still, Fenris has so much love in his heart that it takes nothing at all to ache in echoing empathy for that question.

(Would I still be yours, and he loves him for how he phrases it).

It's why that question sits there for only a few seconds before his reply appears:]

Always.

In every world. With any denomination, with any definition of elite or common, always, you will be mine. Little matter what stands between us, for there are few who can match my determination or your will.

[His eyes flick up, catching Astarion's own from across the room. I love you, and they do not say such things, it's true. They do not ever sit and think about the future (hazy and uncertain, for what future does a noble and an indentured servant ever have?); they dance around matters of the heart even as they swear loyalty (I'll buy your debt, I'll protect you, I'll help you). But there's something so deliberately heavy in the stare he levels Astarion's way, his eyes blazing with a smouldering devotion.]

Three hundred years, and there is no other I would seek out the way I would you.

[illithidnapped]

[It's good the club is dark. Better that he's half-hidden underneath his only friend, where the paleness of her unfurled hair hides the bulk of how red he's gotten: just a mess of alcohol-steeped affection, besotted enough that it wells up in his throat. Saturates the borders of his eyes, blinking more times than he needs to just to clear the tripled outline of his screen. Bring it back down into one.]

We should run away together.

[Isn't dancing anymore, is it?]

[doggish]

[He forgets to breathe.

Just for a moment. Just long enough for the shock to spiderweb through him like the first fateful crack in a glass seconds before it shatters. His eyes dart from the phone to Astarion and back again, his ears pinned back and all of him so openly stunned in a way he never is. Until at least he manages to smooth out his features, resuming the mask of a stoic bodyguard.]

Why?

[He asks because Astarion has seen his face. Because there can be no mistaking the devotion in his last message. Because they both of them are such lonely things, and Fenris has too cynical a heart even now to fully believe that any noble— no matter how earnestly he might mean it right now— would ever choose someone like him over all the wealth and power and prestige that their position brings.

And yet here Astarion is, saying just that.]

And where?

W A I L S!!!!!!! JUST FUCKING W A I LS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[illithidnapped]

Anywhere. [Because it's easier to answerv than its predecessor. Denies the logistics and adhered logic involved in trying to plot a course that wouldn't end in some kind of disaster in short order. Ignores the fact that he's no idea how it is to be poor, to have to truly scrimp for his next miserable meal, and that the two of them are so recognizable that they'd be easier than anything to track.

Dalyria would shelter them, but Violet and Petras? Aurelia? Yousen? Leon?

No, he's not sober enough for foresight— just sincerity. Just the way he always feels, let loose without its leash. It shows when they lock eyes, however brief; Silver irises focused, lit from underneath by his own phone's equally pallid glow, unblinking. Unafraid. (Where Fenris' ears slide low at a backwards slant, Astarion's sit forwards, all of him squared towards his guardian.)]

Those stories are about devotion, right? Compulsion and physiology just the vehicles for being near the person that you love.

If I can't bite you or be bitten by you to prove it, then I'll have to do something else.

[doggish]

[There's no lie in that expression. No merciless sadism in the slant of his smile or cruel humor glinting in his eyes. This isn't a joke at Fenris' expense— and it's important he tells himself that, for it would be so easy to fool himself into thinking otherwise. To let his cynical heart jeer that no noble, no matter how devoted, would ever say such things; to think of all the stories of fools who dared to dream that those pretty words of devotion spoken in bed amounted to anything in the morning light. He's acting like them, he knows. Believing that Astarion is the exception, not the rule, and he'd scoff if it was anyone else, but—

Astarion is different. He cannot make himself believe otherwise, no matter how his heart trembles in fear.]

You love me?

[Gods save his fool heart, for he regrets it the instant he types it out— or, no, that isn't right. He doesn't regret it. He's terrified of how vulnerable such a stupid question makes him, but he cannot bring himself to regret it. Not when Astarion said the word first.

And oh, this isn't how it should be. This isn't the way this ought to go, but maybe it's the way it was always destined to. In other worlds, in other times and places, perhaps it would be something more romantic, but their relationship has been marked by secrecy and guarded hearts from the start. Texting is easier than speaking, even after a year.]

[illithidnapped]

[Sometimes there are exceptions to the rules. Sometimes, for a bleak-hearted stripling that's been spoiled by wealth and yet jilted by the living time and time again, someone comes along that changes his presumptions. His worldview. The idea of use or be used doesn't exist here, and whilst it's true that Dalyria was kind first, she was also kind to everyone— which made it hard to see as anything but one more mask. Fenris, on the other hand, never had one to begin with. He obeyed if he had to, yes, it just came alongside a scowl. A glare. A dour bitterness that wouldn't adopt people-pleasing by any name or make. He had no obligations; he didn't lie.

He doesn't lie.

It makes Astarion feel self-conscious, suddenly. Too aware of how heavy Dal's head is on his arm, and how the words You love me? are practically emblazoned on a bone white screen, stark and blaring outwards in her eyeline. It recasts the startled look Fenris had aimed his way as something less than pleased— maybe rattled. A beneficiary of a lordling's fond familiarity now cast in a role he never wanted, or perhaps fears, or perhaps— perhaps he has no idea what to do with, for what does he ever have control of in this life?

Between the two, it tempts Astarion to tilt his phone away, in case Dal wakes up— or if she's already awake, pretending out of kindness not to see his utterly moronic fumble to end all fumbles.]

I

[....]

is that all right? [Cut short by the sound of stirring right beside him, either real or imagined— his phone almost skittering out of his hands.]

[doggish]

[In Astarion's hands, his phone buzzes almost immediately— but oh, whatever answer Fenris gave will have to wait, for Dalyria is stirring. Someone laughed a little too loudly near them, their voices carrying just a bit too clearly; for a moment she squints blearily up at . . . oh, Astarion. Astarion looking down at her with such an overwhelmed expression that for a moment she tries very hard to rouse . . .

. . . and then decides that if he really needs her, he can wake her up properly. The bass is still booming, people around them are chattering— she can't have been asleep for more than a few minutes, and she needs a bit more time before she can go out and dance again. And given he isn't shoving her off, well. He'll serve as pillow for a little while longer. With one uncomprehending glance at his phone, she growls out her only commentary: 'Too bright,' sullen and mumbled, before closing her eyes and falling asleep once more.

The entire exchange barely takes a minute, but it feels like an eternity for Fenris. Maybe for Astarion too, for at least Fenris can see why his beloved is so delayed.]

yes

[That, first and foremost, sent so hastily he nearly drops his own damned phone.]

yes

i simply

yes

but you told me once that it was a forbidden word. that it was akin to handing anyone who overheard a loaded gun.

[Oh, he remembers every word of that warning. I own you. Whore. Bitch. I want to ruin my life as fast as possible and let everyone have a nice clean shot at it. None of it directed Fenris' way, all of it stated as a firm reminder of the world that his darling boy inhabits. He's breathing too heavily now, his eyes locked on Astarion's every movement as though every fumbling attempt to tilt his phone away might give him some insight as to what exactly he means by this.]

tell me. if you mean it. do not couch it behind half-sentences.

[He shouldn't pursue this. He shouldn't encourage this. He should be wiser, smarter, more aloof, more cynical— and yet his thumbs tap out the letters too fast for his mind to catch up, a starvation three centuries in the making gnawing in the pit of his belly.]

tell me you love me.