[He didn't need time to work himself into a sulk; he's been sour since Zevlor separated them both, sitting in front of his vanity (like the vain little creature that he is), staring into the reddened blot marks shaped like the outline of Fenris' teeth.
He doesn't sound cross with Kanan (when has he ever been?) He sounds agitated. Harsh. Like a bird shedding pretty warbling in favor of shrieking, they both have the same root desire: attention.]
I have. All kind of stories, ranging from the fantastical to the decidedly idiotic.
[He closes the door gently behind him and crosses the room, taking a seat behind Astarion. Seemingly unthinkingly, he reaches for a brush and begins combing at a low set of unruly curls. The motions are steady and soothing, a familiar ritual— though one easily shaken off if Astarion loathes it.]
But I want to hear it from the only one whose take on it actually matters.
[His sneer curdles. The rest of him, though— like a tiger spitting before it recognizes a familiar silhouette, he melts beneath boarbristle, his eyes shutting even as he huffs. Familiar, yes.
The doting comfort that he craves, and normally would extract from the very fiend of the hour. Fenris. But it's been ages since he was fussed over by Kanon.
He's missed it.]
There is an idiot involved. [He murmurs bitterly, folding the front of his lush robes closed. Feathers and sheer patternwork two sizes too big on small shoulders— secondhand fare from an old stageplay.]
I asked Fenris to help me practice kissing for my training— since he's always begging to help me, you know. Fussing about what I'm up to. Where I'm going. [He's never once begged.] —and he BIT me.
[A little nod of understanding, less agreeing and more simply acknowledging that version of the story. Begging is given a brief quirk of his eyebrow, but bitten gets both raised up. A little glance to the now-covered spot, as all the while his hands keep up that steady stroke.]
Not in a way you enjoyed, then.
[A little wry, but not at Astarion's expense. He's a bit more comfortable with the idea of their son and sex (though there is a part of him that hopes they haven't quite gotten there just yet— not while part of his mind still eternally thinks of Astarion as that chubby toddler who once routinely clambered into their bed).]
Surely he didn't bite you from the start. Was he being overly ambitious, or just exceedingly clumsy?
[Oh. Oh, he turns a little red, then. Belated in his realization that there is actually another reason for biting someone whilst wrought up, unlike the way they've set their teeth onto each other in the past (a lesson he's learned and known about already, it's just— gods, it's different when it's them, isn't it? Something they're now capable of. Something they could do.)
He remembers fevered weight across his hips. Round his wrists, pinning him down.
But then he remembers furiously pinched, dark brows glowering down at him beneath dust-caked rafters, and his own do the same now.]
Neither! He kept insisting he was better than I was. That I was jealous he was more experienced just because he kissed that vapid idiot Elise!!
[That explains the rather biased exclamation that had echoed around the entirety of the Moulin Rouge. But oh, that derision . . . he lets the statement linger in the air for a few seconds, and then, gently:]
It's a foolish thing for him to say. Even if you were, it certainly wouldn't be of Elise of all creatures. [Sorry, Elise.] And experience doesn't necessarily make anyone better— growing up here, he should know that. There's plenty of whores who stay third-string for a reason.
[The brush moves higher, his head tipped low. But then, as golden eyes peer up through dark lashes, he adds gently:]
But . . . one might wonder whether or not you felt a bit of jealousy that someone else got to kiss him first.
[Oh the look Astarion angles towards Kanan in the mirror is accusatory. Scrunching in on itself in rankled disgust that's one part childhood instincts and two parts defensiveness outright, poorly mixed. That he'd been worked up in the moment— red from the tips of his ears to the end of his collar— that's irrelevant, now. Because now is when the suggestion feels affronting. Now is when it steps on the choreography he'd imagined for this whole exchange, veering away from talk of 'poor darling Astarion' into territory where his wants are questioned, and those questions—
He doesn't have an answer to.
So he does the next best thing. He scoffs.]
You think I wanted to kiss him?? That I planned the whole thing out just so I could get to him first!?!
[Honestly, it's the test of a lifetime not to laugh at that expression. It's the exact same face that Astarion used to level at anyone who dared tease him, equal parts deeply offended and fiercely indignant. For a moment he can almost see that chubby face surrounded by untameable curls, ears flushed in embarrassment and a little frown on his face . . . oh, precious thing. Darling boy. He finally compromises by biting his lip, only semi-successfully hiding a smile, and that will have to be enough.]
Did you?
[And then, before a screeching indignant no can ring out:]
When was the last time you ever did anything you didn't wholeheartedly want to do? Half the time Zevlor can't get you to do your chores without having to twist your arm, much less kiss anyone.
[A beat. He works the brush carefully through a stubborn knot, then catches Astarion's eye in the mirror. There's an amused little smile on his lips as he adds:]
Besides: the two of you have been inseparable from the moment you brought him here. You were endlessly possessive of him even as a friend, and now that you're both older . . . don't tell me you've never thought about it before.
[Kanan is so dangerously close to being bitten. Not on the neck, of course— because only an uncivilized, rabid elf would do something so unhinged. Probably something contagious Fenris got from Elise even, Astarion thinks— before he winces at that knot's tender resistance giving way, leaving behind a few white locks shaped like odd zig-zag crinkles, forgetting his anger in place of another sore sensation.
But he doesn't stop his sulking. And he doesn't pull his burning stare away from Kanan, either. As much in the dog house now as he was when telling a small, pudgy-fingered child he couldn't have dessert early.]
I take this seriously, Kanan, that's why it's different! I'm not going to be washing dishes or scrubbing floors when I'm eighty unless I royally fuck up— which at this rate—
[Helplessly he huffs. He puffs. He throws his hands into the air near shoulder height before they collapse back down into his lap.]
How in the world did he manage to kiss someone else first....
[Oh, there it is. There it is, and his smile disappears as his heart aches in sympathy. Beneath all the dramatic sulkiness and frustration lies a heart so terribly fragile, and so few ever manage to get at it. The steady brushstrokes cease, but only so he can run a warm hand against the side of Astarion's neck, slipping down to rub between his shoulderblades.]
Because she had nothing to lose, I suspect.
[His voice is far softer now.]
She kissed him, didn't she? I thought so, [for he knows Fenris, and knows how he gets around the performers and courtesans both.] If it went wrong, you know her: she would simply laugh it off, for she cares little about the creatures she beds. He meant nothing to her beyond an afternoon's entertainment . . . and I suspect he was swept up in her wake.
[Which doesn't make it any better, and it certainly won't ease that aching, wailing heart. But maybe it will help a tiny bit. Maybe some part of Astarion can soothe himself with the thought that at least it wasn't a deliberate choice, with Astarion made the loser.]
How long had you been planning it?
[Gods, it must have been like a slap to the face, he thinks, still rubbing his back. It must have felt like the cruelest little drop back to reality in a place where romantic fantasies are meant to thrive . . . oh, his little Astarion, and Kanan fights the urge to gather him up as if he were still a child.]
[Every inch of muscle that he has sinks into those waiting hands, thick tears welling in his eyes; the back of his throat feels clotted with compressed spit before he knows it. He's not a child anymore but he feels like it, crying into Kanan's arms over stupid things like skinned knees and ruined toys. A bad dream that felt too real.
This one isn't, though.
A bad dream, that is.
Eventually, he's going to have to face it again. The next time he sees Fenris— or the next time he sees Elise. There's no coming back from this, he's convinced of it, and it aches like the throbbing of his neck.]
....since last week, when Satine told me I'm old enough to start practicing if I want to.
[He swipes his nose across the sleeve of that robe, leaving a wet trail across the back of his wrist through sheer silk. In the mirror, his reflection looks angry, but that's always how he's looked when hurt. Burning from the inside out.]
[It's so obvious a lie as to not need counteracting, but that's all the more reason to do so. You matter, this matters, for he will grow up in a world that tells him so often that his feelings don't. Soon, he'll have to learn how to hide everything, rage and grief and joy and delight. He'll have to learn how to put on a mask and keep it on almost always, and that's fine. That's the bargain. That's what it means to become the Sparkling Diamond, but—
Not yet. Not here in this room, when he's still a child nursing a broken heart.]
Come here. Come here, now—
[It's an awkward angle and it doesn't matter, not when it's his son— one way or another Kanan gathers him up, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him towards his lap. Clawed fingers work through silken curls as he makes wordless noises of comfort, just as he always did for every scraped knee and broken toy.
And when the worst of the grief seems to have subsided— when the tears abate, or the anger cools— Kanan murmurs:]
[Yes it is— and as pale fingertips curl in fine fabric, he's angry yet again. Yes it is— and he can't fathom anything but this: frustration hot as coal beneath his ribs, an overwhelming sense of wasted everything, as if everything that mattered is long lost and done for. All the chapters of his life till now, all the ways he'd pictured this going— he's young. Willowy and stubborn-minded and ambitious, which is, when he can't see past the tips of his fingers and knows nothing of the world outside these walls beyond the market down the street, a disastrous combination of traits. Raised by theatrics and thespians, what else could he be other than a little firebomb, wearing too-large clothes: wanting everything to be perfect, or it's nothing at all.
He clings to Kanan like he did when he was that wailing child. Angry still. Latched on till his fingers go completely numb, snuffling and chuffing and muttering low.]
You can't make him un-kiss her.
[His voice barely clears the edge of Kanan's shoulder. He's nothing but curls and balled-up fingers and a pair of glowering, red-limned eyes staring off at nothing at all.]
You can't make him not have bitten, with everyone and the fu— [he bites his tongue to correct himself] bloody Maker listening in, telling me I was jealous.
[It feels pretty fucking unfixable, is the point here.]
[No, he most certainly can't, though his gentle hum of agreement is meant to soothe as well as agree. I know, dearest, I know, not patronizing insomuch as making sure he doesn't snag at the edges of that spitting temper.]
Satine wasn't the first Diamond, you know. She wasn't even the first to come up with her routines— those were inherited, just like her costumes and most of her jewelry, not to mention her . And yet I cannot tell you the name of her predecessor, not off the top of my head, for she outshone them so brilliantly.
You need not be the first to have kissed him. Just better than Elise— and that will not be a hard bar to clear, Astarion, for I know him and I know her, and she means nothing to him.
[He tips his head.]
A lesson for you, before you begin with Satine. What makes for a good kiss is not just technique, nor focus, but passion. Cultivating that heated desire for your customers is what she'll teach you, but I would wager a month's sums that Elise had none of it for Fenris— and you have plenty.
[It's deft, that interruption. The swiftness of Kanan's intrusion into everything he'd wreathed himself in so thorough that for a moment he forgets he's weeping. Forgets his ire, too, drawing back by half a centimeter with the most bewildered look of fascination— as if some hidden codex is revealed. As if his world is shaken.
He's scarcely in his teenage years; to him, Satine had existed ages and ages beforehand. Since the dawn of time, before the Moulin Rouge, to Astarion's young mind, he'd imagined her a touchstone. In the beginning, there was sunlight, and the dust of the earth, and Paris, and Zevlor and Kanan, and the Moulin Rouge, and Satine.
He wipes his eyes, bleary and confused. Awestruck to say the least. (And beneath all that, hopeful now.]
—I....[Another blink, pausing.] I don't know. I wasn't thinking. [I was upset.]
It was.... [Warm. Hot. Comforting. Suffocating— in a good way: his blood boiled and his temples ached from the dizzying rush.] Nice? I think. I kept getting distracted every time I tried to focus, I mean, and he kept instructing me, but....
You know, I don't think he was faring any better, either.
[The way he'd shifted, the way he moved. Even the way he stuttered.]
[Oh, Astarion is so sweetly endearing when he looks at him like that. So sweetly shocked, tears still clinging to his lashes and yet his mind already shifting past his anger and his grief— he never tires of seeing it. And as for that description: Zevlor might well flinch at the thought of his son kissing his beloved friend, but Kanan feels nothing but vague, triumphant vindication. How many years had they watched the two of them orbit around one another? Astarion and his little shadow, Fenris and his eternal partner-in-crime . . . he smiles faintly throughout it, nodding in agreement at that rather more believable assessment. He cups his cheek, his thumb swiping away an errant year, and offers Astarion a little half-smile.]
Yes. Once or twice, before I realized the life of a courtesan was not for me. And it is very, very different than truly desiring someone.
The former, I can give you lessons on, though Satine will be more of an education. It involves finding something— some trait, some feature— that you can turn into something that appeals. Whether it's pretending you're a person who gets off on red hair or terrible jokes, or simply leaning into enjoying the hue of their eyes . . . it helps. It becomes less about what you, yourself, find appealing, and more about becoming whatever it is they desire— which is, after all, someone who desires them in turn.
[It's a bit of a twisted explanation, admittedly, and he wrinkles his nose as he says it. But ah:]
But for the latter— for someone like Fenris— Astarion, little wonder you kept losing focus, for that's precisely what you ought to have done.
Unless you meant to kiss him solely as practice and nothing else, that is.
[Again, he finds himself surprised. Taken aback by the multitudes contained within someone he thought he knew so well. Between the two— yes, Kanan was always the more social one compared to Zevlor. Liked 'slumming' it at bars from time-to-time, even laughing with the guests of Moulin Rouge on those odd evenings when the whim struck. Where Zevlor excelled at business, Kanan was the one behind him, soft and steadfast behind the scenes. But—
He worked with costumes. He chose what drinks they stocked, or what lights they used, or where the couches went.
He wasn't a courtesan.
Picturing him amongst the herd, even partially imagined, feels....wrong.]
—what?
[Two overwhelming subjects competing for the small space of his mind, and Astarion blinks wide as his ears softly twitch with alertness, flush across his cheeks.]
—no. No, that— [he shakes his head] No. He wasn't just— I mean he was for practice but it wasn't only— I mean he's just a bodyguard. Or— will be. And that's not....
[His eyebrows drop. A look of consternation overtakes, and then:]
What do you mean you realized the life of a courtesan wasn't for you?
[On the one hand, this wasn't exactly how he and Zevlor had planned to tell Astarion. On the other hand, he thinks, watching a cacophony of emotions pass over his son's face, he was going to find out in some fashion sooner or later. Better he hears it now from Kanan himself than via some idle comment dropped by Satine or her cohorts.
He tips his head with a little hum, giving Astarion a two-second forewarning of what the answer will be.]
Two weeks.
[Said simply. He isn't ashamed of it, for all that it wasn't for him. And if Astarion is going to enter into that lifestyle (though oh, Kanan still quietly wishes he wouldn't), he'll have to get used to some of the, ah, less palatable aspects of that world.]
I suspect I could have continued further— I was a deft hand at it, [and maybe he's a little merciless in how he's telling this.] But one of my customers had a commander who wouldn't stop striking up conversations with me at the bar after my shift . . . and I found him more alluring than any kind of fame or wealth could ever be.
It hurt him to see me in such a profession— though I suspect he would have born that silently for years if I hadn't pressed him on it. [Loyal darling that he is, steadfast and so damned guarded, keeping everyone safe but himself.] But I think, looking back, it hurt me too— and it was never the act itself I enjoyed. Just the glamor of the theater.
[So . . . costumes. Drinks. Arranging all the details and aesthetics while his husband worries about income and outflow and all the finicky numbers. Add a reputable madam to the business who can wrangle all the courtesans, and you have a functioning cabaret.]
We weren't going to tell you when you were still a child, Astarion. But if you're old enouh to begin training, you're old enough to know such things.
[Is he? Is he really? Because right now the thinned out squint Astarion is wearing is reminiscent of a child being forced to confront the worst of what life has to offer— like broccoli, or the fact that his father was a whore, apparently, and that his other father might've even come here just to hit on him.
What's next, that they sleep together when Astarion's not looking? That they act like any paired-off couple in this place? Cavorting and drooling and—
It's fine that Satine is a courtesan. She has the whole of Paris and beyond beneath her thumb. She dazzles. She excites. She enthralls the way Astarion has wanted to for as long as he can remember. That's for them. And for other people, provided that they're good enough.
Who it is not for is the men who raised him.]
You quit because of some commander?
[Oh, Astarion....]
But you don't even act anymore, and— don't you miss it?
[Oh, Astarion . . . he resists the urge to roll his eyes, instead settling for a mildly unimpressed look. Don't you blech at him, sir, not after he's had to hear about you sticking your tongue down Fenris' throat.]
Not particularly.
[They'll come back to the question of the commander, but this is more important.]
It's the camaraderie I love, not the acting itself. The glamor of it all, the lights, the costumes, the jewelry and make-up . . . all of it I like being a part of facilitating, not necessarily wearing for myself.
[How many times had the two of them played backstage? Astarion demanding to be dressed up like a lost princeling or a glamorous Diamond, his little face turned up expectantly for paint on his eyelids and clip-on jewelry . . . he'd been so entranced by it. Night after night, over and over, and Kanan had loved to indulge it. He'd taught him all the little tricks: how to sculpt your face and ensure your eyes glitter even from the back of the room; how to know what fabrics will drape and what will sag; how to make any costume look a thousand times better with just a few stitches and tweaks . . .
Perhaps he should have foreseen what path Astarion would follow. That he wouldn't take Kanan's place, but Satine's, for his son has always delighted in having all eyes on him: proudly strutting up and down the stage, reveling in the adoring coos of all the courtesans, preening under all their teasing praise.]
I suppose I could return to it, if ever I truly wanted to. But I found getting to work on bringing a vision to life was far more rewarding than— [a brief hesitation, then:] — the pleasures of starring in the show.
[A few seconds pass, and he adds rather more sardonically:]
And it was not some commander. Zevlor made for quite the handsome figure when he was in full armor, you know— all trim waist and firm muscles beneath all that oiled-up metal. [He grins, knowing exactly what he's doing and utterly unrepentant.] I was the center of jealousy for quite some time for how he fixated on me, even when the others would flirt.
Blatantly, in some cases.
Ask your teacher. She's still sulky I got there first, I'm sure.
[It was all he adored back then, when the world towered over him and was full up to the brim with glitter and shed feathers and warm silk, like sequined canopies, and he had to crane up high onto his toes to receive a dab here or there from a sympathy-laden powder puff patted across his cheeks or dabbed against his eyes. His lips were the hardest part to beg off: he wasn't a messy thing, but every dancer had their preferred shade, and Zevlor would know instantly who was responsible for any bit of real color on his face. More often than not what couldn't be snuck in otherwise fell on Kanan instead to see to. Kanan, who wasn't afraid to cart in their chubby little adoptee when he was dripping with satin and gloss. Colored like a messy little clown, as he couldn't keep from fidgeting and swiping at his face once tired.
That, he doesn't remember. But the sense of awe lives on. That feeling of deep admiration permeating to the bone— all that doting. All that love. Unconditional. Electrifying.
He can't imagine giving it up for anything. Least of all— ]
He's shriveling. He's dying. He's sinking his chin into his chest and losing his neck as his small little canine teeth are revealed with a wincing grimace.]
Zevlor????
[His DAD??????????????????]
Satine was jealous at you over him??? [But he wears glasses. He sleeps early. He's always reading. Is there a different Zevlor, maybe? Someone he doesn't remember ever existing?
No, never mind. He can't take this anymore. Two fingers come up to pinch the bridge of his nose, his head shaking all the while.]
Well I won't give up anything for anyone else. Least of all Fenris after this. [Terminal embarrassment he can stand, but— realizing how much he's gagged and groaned into Kanan's shoulder these last few minutes— he tries to (albeit slightly sulkily) correct his own faux pas, knowing it's unkind.]
....even if I'm glad you're both happier now.
[Because he is, really. And he likes being here. And he loves them. So damned much.]
It's just not what I want for me, that's all. And if I can....you know, 'cultivate passion', then I can do anything I need to to get where I want to be, right?
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illithidnapped) wrote2025-05-31 06:45 pm
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[He didn't need time to work himself into a sulk; he's been sour since Zevlor separated them both, sitting in front of his vanity (like the vain little creature that he is), staring into the reddened blot marks shaped like the outline of Fenris' teeth.
He doesn't sound cross with Kanan (when has he ever been?) He sounds agitated. Harsh. Like a bird shedding pretty warbling in favor of shrieking, they both have the same root desire: attention.]
You didn't hear it from everyone else already??
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[He closes the door gently behind him and crosses the room, taking a seat behind Astarion. Seemingly unthinkingly, he reaches for a brush and begins combing at a low set of unruly curls. The motions are steady and soothing, a familiar ritual— though one easily shaken off if Astarion loathes it.]
But I want to hear it from the only one whose take on it actually matters.
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[His sneer curdles. The rest of him, though— like a tiger spitting before it recognizes a familiar silhouette, he melts beneath boarbristle, his eyes shutting even as he huffs. Familiar, yes.
The doting comfort that he craves, and normally would extract from the very fiend of the hour. Fenris. But it's been ages since he was fussed over by Kanon.
He's missed it.]
There is an idiot involved. [He murmurs bitterly, folding the front of his lush robes closed. Feathers and sheer patternwork two sizes too big on small shoulders— secondhand fare from an old stageplay.]
I asked Fenris to help me practice kissing for my training— since he's always begging to help me, you know. Fussing about what I'm up to. Where I'm going. [He's never once begged.] —and he BIT me.
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Not in a way you enjoyed, then.
[A little wry, but not at Astarion's expense. He's a bit more comfortable with the idea of their son and sex (though there is a part of him that hopes they haven't quite gotten there just yet— not while part of his mind still eternally thinks of Astarion as that chubby toddler who once routinely clambered into their bed).]
Surely he didn't bite you from the start. Was he being overly ambitious, or just exceedingly clumsy?
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[Oh. Oh, he turns a little red, then. Belated in his realization that there is actually another reason for biting someone whilst wrought up, unlike the way they've set their teeth onto each other in the past (a lesson he's learned and known about already, it's just— gods, it's different when it's them, isn't it? Something they're now capable of. Something they could do.)
He remembers fevered weight across his hips. Round his wrists, pinning him down.
But then he remembers furiously pinched, dark brows glowering down at him beneath dust-caked rafters, and his own do the same now.]
Neither! He kept insisting he was better than I was. That I was jealous he was more experienced just because he kissed that vapid idiot Elise!!
[Elise!!!]
Can you believe that— jealous of a fucking whore.
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[That explains the rather biased exclamation that had echoed around the entirety of the Moulin Rouge. But oh, that derision . . . he lets the statement linger in the air for a few seconds, and then, gently:]
It's a foolish thing for him to say. Even if you were, it certainly wouldn't be of Elise of all creatures. [Sorry, Elise.] And experience doesn't necessarily make anyone better— growing up here, he should know that. There's plenty of whores who stay third-string for a reason.
[The brush moves higher, his head tipped low. But then, as golden eyes peer up through dark lashes, he adds gently:]
But . . . one might wonder whether or not you felt a bit of jealousy that someone else got to kiss him first.
1/2
2/2
He doesn't have an answer to.
So he does the next best thing. He scoffs.]
You think I wanted to kiss him?? That I planned the whole thing out just so I could get to him first!?!
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Did you?
[And then, before a screeching indignant no can ring out:]
When was the last time you ever did anything you didn't wholeheartedly want to do? Half the time Zevlor can't get you to do your chores without having to twist your arm, much less kiss anyone.
[A beat. He works the brush carefully through a stubborn knot, then catches Astarion's eye in the mirror. There's an amused little smile on his lips as he adds:]
Besides: the two of you have been inseparable from the moment you brought him here. You were endlessly possessive of him even as a friend, and now that you're both older . . . don't tell me you've never thought about it before.
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But he doesn't stop his sulking. And he doesn't pull his burning stare away from Kanan, either. As much in the dog house now as he was when telling a small, pudgy-fingered child he couldn't have dessert early.]
I take this seriously, Kanan, that's why it's different! I'm not going to be washing dishes or scrubbing floors when I'm eighty unless I royally fuck up— which at this rate—
[Helplessly he huffs. He puffs. He throws his hands into the air near shoulder height before they collapse back down into his lap.]
How in the world did he manage to kiss someone else first....
[A beat, small.]
....and why did it have to be her?
[Maybe. Maybe he has thought about it before.]
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Because she had nothing to lose, I suspect.
[His voice is far softer now.]
She kissed him, didn't she? I thought so, [for he knows Fenris, and knows how he gets around the performers and courtesans both.] If it went wrong, you know her: she would simply laugh it off, for she cares little about the creatures she beds. He meant nothing to her beyond an afternoon's entertainment . . . and I suspect he was swept up in her wake.
[Which doesn't make it any better, and it certainly won't ease that aching, wailing heart. But maybe it will help a tiny bit. Maybe some part of Astarion can soothe himself with the thought that at least it wasn't a deliberate choice, with Astarion made the loser.]
How long had you been planning it?
[Gods, it must have been like a slap to the face, he thinks, still rubbing his back. It must have felt like the cruelest little drop back to reality in a place where romantic fantasies are meant to thrive . . . oh, his little Astarion, and Kanan fights the urge to gather him up as if he were still a child.]
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This one isn't, though.
A bad dream, that is.
Eventually, he's going to have to face it again. The next time he sees Fenris— or the next time he sees Elise. There's no coming back from this, he's convinced of it, and it aches like the throbbing of his neck.]
....since last week, when Satine told me I'm old enough to start practicing if I want to.
[He swipes his nose across the sleeve of that robe, leaving a wet trail across the back of his wrist through sheer silk. In the mirror, his reflection looks angry, but that's always how he's looked when hurt. Burning from the inside out.]
It doesn't matter.
[Is a lie.]
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[It's so obvious a lie as to not need counteracting, but that's all the more reason to do so. You matter, this matters, for he will grow up in a world that tells him so often that his feelings don't. Soon, he'll have to learn how to hide everything, rage and grief and joy and delight. He'll have to learn how to put on a mask and keep it on almost always, and that's fine. That's the bargain. That's what it means to become the Sparkling Diamond, but—
Not yet. Not here in this room, when he's still a child nursing a broken heart.]
Come here. Come here, now—
[It's an awkward angle and it doesn't matter, not when it's his son— one way or another Kanan gathers him up, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him towards his lap. Clawed fingers work through silken curls as he makes wordless noises of comfort, just as he always did for every scraped knee and broken toy.
And when the worst of the grief seems to have subsided— when the tears abate, or the anger cools— Kanan murmurs:]
It isn't as unfixable as it appears, Viniquessë.
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He clings to Kanan like he did when he was that wailing child. Angry still. Latched on till his fingers go completely numb, snuffling and chuffing and muttering low.]
You can't make him un-kiss her.
[His voice barely clears the edge of Kanan's shoulder. He's nothing but curls and balled-up fingers and a pair of glowering, red-limned eyes staring off at nothing at all.]
You can't make him not have bitten, with everyone and the fu— [he bites his tongue to correct himself] bloody Maker listening in, telling me I was jealous.
[It feels pretty fucking unfixable, is the point here.]
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[No, he most certainly can't, though his gentle hum of agreement is meant to soothe as well as agree. I know, dearest, I know, not patronizing insomuch as making sure he doesn't snag at the edges of that spitting temper.]
Satine wasn't the first Diamond, you know. She wasn't even the first to come up with her routines— those were inherited, just like her costumes and most of her jewelry, not to mention her . And yet I cannot tell you the name of her predecessor, not off the top of my head, for she outshone them so brilliantly.
You need not be the first to have kissed him. Just better than Elise— and that will not be a hard bar to clear, Astarion, for I know him and I know her, and she means nothing to him.
[He tips his head.]
A lesson for you, before you begin with Satine. What makes for a good kiss is not just technique, nor focus, but passion. Cultivating that heated desire for your customers is what she'll teach you, but I would wager a month's sums that Elise had none of it for Fenris— and you have plenty.
What was it like, before he bit you?
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He's scarcely in his teenage years; to him, Satine had existed ages and ages beforehand. Since the dawn of time, before the Moulin Rouge, to Astarion's young mind, he'd imagined her a touchstone. In the beginning, there was sunlight, and the dust of the earth, and Paris, and Zevlor and Kanan, and the Moulin Rouge, and Satine.
He wipes his eyes, bleary and confused. Awestruck to say the least. (And beneath all that, hopeful now.]
—I....[Another blink, pausing.] I don't know. I wasn't thinking. [I was upset.]
It was.... [Warm. Hot. Comforting. Suffocating— in a good way: his blood boiled and his temples ached from the dizzying rush.] Nice? I think. I kept getting distracted every time I tried to focus, I mean, and he kept instructing me, but....
You know, I don't think he was faring any better, either.
[The way he'd shifted, the way he moved. Even the way he stuttered.]
Have you ever done it? Not—
[kissing. Not that. No.]
'Cultivating desire'. For someone else.
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Yes. Once or twice, before I realized the life of a courtesan was not for me. And it is very, very different than truly desiring someone.
The former, I can give you lessons on, though Satine will be more of an education. It involves finding something— some trait, some feature— that you can turn into something that appeals. Whether it's pretending you're a person who gets off on red hair or terrible jokes, or simply leaning into enjoying the hue of their eyes . . . it helps. It becomes less about what you, yourself, find appealing, and more about becoming whatever it is they desire— which is, after all, someone who desires them in turn.
[It's a bit of a twisted explanation, admittedly, and he wrinkles his nose as he says it. But ah:]
But for the latter— for someone like Fenris— Astarion, little wonder you kept losing focus, for that's precisely what you ought to have done.
Unless you meant to kiss him solely as practice and nothing else, that is.
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He worked with costumes. He chose what drinks they stocked, or what lights they used, or where the couches went.
He wasn't a courtesan.
Picturing him amongst the herd, even partially imagined, feels....wrong.]
—what?
[Two overwhelming subjects competing for the small space of his mind, and Astarion blinks wide as his ears softly twitch with alertness, flush across his cheeks.]
—no. No, that— [he shakes his head] No. He wasn't just— I mean he was for practice but it wasn't only— I mean he's just a bodyguard. Or— will be. And that's not....
[His eyebrows drop. A look of consternation overtakes, and then:]
What do you mean you realized the life of a courtesan wasn't for you?
You weren't—
[. . . . ]
....were you....?
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He tips his head with a little hum, giving Astarion a two-second forewarning of what the answer will be.]
Two weeks.
[Said simply. He isn't ashamed of it, for all that it wasn't for him. And if Astarion is going to enter into that lifestyle (though oh, Kanan still quietly wishes he wouldn't), he'll have to get used to some of the, ah, less palatable aspects of that world.]
I suspect I could have continued further— I was a deft hand at it, [and maybe he's a little merciless in how he's telling this.] But one of my customers had a commander who wouldn't stop striking up conversations with me at the bar after my shift . . . and I found him more alluring than any kind of fame or wealth could ever be.
It hurt him to see me in such a profession— though I suspect he would have born that silently for years if I hadn't pressed him on it. [Loyal darling that he is, steadfast and so damned guarded, keeping everyone safe but himself.] But I think, looking back, it hurt me too— and it was never the act itself I enjoyed. Just the glamor of the theater.
[So . . . costumes. Drinks. Arranging all the details and aesthetics while his husband worries about income and outflow and all the finicky numbers. Add a reputable madam to the business who can wrangle all the courtesans, and you have a functioning cabaret.]
We weren't going to tell you when you were still a child, Astarion. But if you're old enouh to begin training, you're old enough to know such things.
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What's next, that they sleep together when Astarion's not looking? That they act like any paired-off couple in this place? Cavorting and drooling and—
It's fine that Satine is a courtesan. She has the whole of Paris and beyond beneath her thumb. She dazzles. She excites. She enthralls the way Astarion has wanted to for as long as he can remember. That's for them. And for other people, provided that they're good enough.
Who it is not for is the men who raised him.]
You quit because of some commander?
[Oh, Astarion....]
But you don't even act anymore, and— don't you miss it?
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Not particularly.
[They'll come back to the question of the commander, but this is more important.]
It's the camaraderie I love, not the acting itself. The glamor of it all, the lights, the costumes, the jewelry and make-up . . . all of it I like being a part of facilitating, not necessarily wearing for myself.
[How many times had the two of them played backstage? Astarion demanding to be dressed up like a lost princeling or a glamorous Diamond, his little face turned up expectantly for paint on his eyelids and clip-on jewelry . . . he'd been so entranced by it. Night after night, over and over, and Kanan had loved to indulge it. He'd taught him all the little tricks: how to sculpt your face and ensure your eyes glitter even from the back of the room; how to know what fabrics will drape and what will sag; how to make any costume look a thousand times better with just a few stitches and tweaks . . .
Perhaps he should have foreseen what path Astarion would follow. That he wouldn't take Kanan's place, but Satine's, for his son has always delighted in having all eyes on him: proudly strutting up and down the stage, reveling in the adoring coos of all the courtesans, preening under all their teasing praise.]
I suppose I could return to it, if ever I truly wanted to. But I found getting to work on bringing a vision to life was far more rewarding than— [a brief hesitation, then:] — the pleasures of starring in the show.
[A few seconds pass, and he adds rather more sardonically:]
And it was not some commander. Zevlor made for quite the handsome figure when he was in full armor, you know— all trim waist and firm muscles beneath all that oiled-up metal. [He grins, knowing exactly what he's doing and utterly unrepentant.] I was the center of jealousy for quite some time for how he fixated on me, even when the others would flirt.
Blatantly, in some cases.
Ask your teacher. She's still sulky I got there first, I'm sure.
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That, he doesn't remember. But the sense of awe lives on. That feeling of deep admiration permeating to the bone— all that doting. All that love. Unconditional. Electrifying.
He can't imagine giving it up for anything. Least of all— ]
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U G H.
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's shriveling. He's dying. He's sinking his chin into his chest and losing his neck as his small little canine teeth are revealed with a wincing grimace.]
Zevlor????
[His DAD??????????????????]
Satine was jealous at you over him??? [But he wears glasses. He sleeps early. He's always reading. Is there a different Zevlor, maybe? Someone he doesn't remember ever existing?
No, never mind. He can't take this anymore. Two fingers come up to pinch the bridge of his nose, his head shaking all the while.]
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....even if I'm glad you're both happier now.
[Because he is, really. And he likes being here. And he loves them. So damned much.]
It's just not what I want for me, that's all. And if I can....you know, 'cultivate passion', then I can do anything I need to to get where I want to be, right?
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