illithidnapped | INBOX II

[Deep contemplation goes here (it's a loading screen. He's thinking so hard. Is the yes for....if he says yes does that mean he is or isn't? ) stalling for a few moments that might be negligibly written off as not having read the text.

If not for the fact that it says read underneath it.]

Technically I'm not a celebrity, if your only focus is the performing arts.

[To be perfectly fair to Astarion, Fenris might have edited it if he'd known how. But he doesn't, because phones are hard.]

That isn't an answer to my question.

[No, it is, he's just being pedantic.]

You are a magistrate. And rich. And neither of those is worthy of being a celebrity, because neither of those are inherently interesting unto themselves. Correct?

[And then, because he tires of beating around his point:]

Why are there paparazzi trying to take your photo. Who cares enough to buy it? Or any of your friends, for that matter. None of you DO anything.

what do you MEAN 'who cares enough to buy it?????????????????????????' YOU ARE LITERALLY DATING ME

presumably my looks factor into that somewhere along the way

Yes? And? I'm dating you. I didn't pay for you— nor a blurry photo of you in sunglasses at 4 AM, drunk and trying half-heartedly to sneak out the back door.

If anything, you're paying me. Does that make me inherently more interesting?

THE POINT IS THAT WHAT I AM IS DESIRABLE YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE TO CIVILIZED SOCIETY

do you not understand they write entire books [Oh wait, mm, less relevant media form to younger crowds:] movies, shows, games, all fantasizing about people that look the way I look with the kind of money that I have??

I don't NEED to do anything: I was born famous

Anyway why are you all bent out of shape about it now?? You weren't asking nonsense like this over a year ago when we fell into bed headfirst.

You were born rich, and that still doesn't

[But oh, that second text comes through halfway through typing— and it's undoubtedly an accident Fenris hit send, but whatever!]

I'm not upset about it. I'm simply baffled. I didn't know there was a thriving network of people who were obsessed with whatever you wore or said or did— or at least, not to the point of writing endless blogs and MagiNet posts about you. I fail to see what captures their interest— not just of you, but of anyone.

I wield a gun. Why don't people wish to pretend I'm John Wick?

(And I didn't fall into bed with you because you were "famous".)

I pretend you're John Wick all the time.

You pretend any number of things when I have you bent over a bed. That does not mean you should start an Instagram over it.

about the fact that you have me bent over a bed or that I pretend you're a handsome assassin in a suit?

because I'll be honest, sweetheart, I've made posts about both.

wait really

No. Of course not.

Never.

[:)]

[There is a pause of, like, four minutes at most.]

[It's a very, very long four minutes. Maybe five, if you count time spent scrolling (somewhat in horror, somewhat in deeply flattered embarrassment) through the comments.]

why do you and your friends feel the need to broadcast every single aspect of your life

especially when they are aware we are dating

there is no one else this could be about

IS THAT WHY PETRAS CALLED ME ASSASSIN'S CREED LAST MONTH

[If Fenris is on the Ancunín estate, he'll be privvy to the loudest, longest little cackle coming from somewhere that he isn't. Otherwise, well, he might just be imagining it.]

wiat he called uou WHAT

lmaooooooooo

he thought it was very funny

so did violet

now i know why

(arent you at a virtual hearing right now??)

I was supposed to be.

But no, I took the day off. Didn't want to bother after last night's party, all the wine. Ugh. Too much wine.

Anyway the only person that has my virtual attention now is you.

[You're welcome.]

And on that note, if I were you I wouldn't bother thinking overmuch about all those blog posts and followers and avid fans and lifelong photograph collectors and countless, countless aficionados.

[He's only teasing. Honest, this time.]

Oh? You have a hangover? And here I thought you were insistent you never, ever got them— not someone so experienced in drinking as you.

If all this results in one of us getting stalked, I will never cease telling you that I told you so. Does it not worry you that there someone in your comments that constantly requests you show feet?

[Like, it doesn't particularly worry Fenris either, but it's funny enough to comment upon.]

And they'll be asking forever if they expect that for free in this economy.

Besides, why would I be worried? I'm the one dating John Wick.

....Unless showfeet99 is actually the real John Wick. Then you might be in trouble.

please. You doubt my ability to defend you even from him? As if I cannot kill anyone you throw me against, fictional or not

Edited 2026-03-17 05:37 (UTC)

is there a price you’d accept to actually show your feet??

Edited 2026-03-17 05:38 (UTC)

in which Astarion is *not* quite sure about his double negatives (bc he's fucking dumb)

he's doing AMAZING sweetie

UvU <3

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that's it, that's the first time internet speak has been triggered in ye future Torilthedas

JSDLKJ AMAZING

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in which Astarion is not quite sure about his double negatives (bc he's fucking dumb)